A Thorough But Non-Exhaustive List of Things That Cannot Ruin Christmas
Christmas will keep on Christmas-ing whether you're having fun or not.
How many times have you heard or read someone say, “ … and it totally ruined Christmas!” or "Well, he absolutely ruined Christmas!” "She ruined Christmas!”
On this most Christmas-y of eves, I'm here to gently urge you: get a grip.
Christmas is impervious to ruin. You ought to know this by now.
Christmas is bigger than you. It's bigger than your perfectly-decorated house, it's bigger than your family, it's bigger than any of your relatives’ unfortunate choices - it is bigger than all of us.
And by the same token, if you threaten to “cancel Christmas,” you surely know that what you'd be canceling is just the Christmas get-together. Whether your family meets to celebrate the day or not, it will continue to be Christmas all day long.
This is because Christmas is an entity into itself: a juggernaut, a runaway train. Christmas cannot be stopped. Christmas cannot be prevented. Even hundreds of thousands of Olympic-level killjoys banding together, determined to ruin or cancel Christmas - even a literal Grinch of Seussian proportions - could only affect the way individual holiday gatherings take shape. They could not change the calendar or take away the immutable fact that December 25 is Christmas, at least in the Western world.
With that in mind, I bring you a lengthy, but by no means complete list of things that do not, would not, and should not have the power to ruin your Christmas get-together:
Your son shows up with a new tattoo
Your husband puts up - gasp! - a fake tree, claiming he got such a great deal, it'd be silly not to go for it
Alternatively, the live tree you've selected this year is too tall, and it smooshes against the ceiling in a somewhat undignified manner
Sharon did not have time to make the deviled eggs this year (see also Linda, Debbie, Barb, and Jackie)
Your unmarried granddaughter shows up with a resentful-looking fellow with a nose ring that makes him look like the world’s skinniest ox, grabs his hand, and momentously announces she's pregnant
Two of your kids aren't speaking to each other
Something got into one of the ornament boxes in the attic, and if Dan would have just put them in the special red and green Rubbermaid storage totes like you asked him to a thousand times, this wouldn't have happened! In fact, you bet they're still sitting there, empty, in the garage. Yep: there they are, and now Jason's dried-pasta ornament from first grade is in some raccoon's stomach*
Your mother-in-law bought your son the big gift he was counting on - and so did you, but he's opened Grandma's gift first and now she's going to get all the credit
Angela knows this great new restaurant and suggests you have the holiday meal catered this year
Your newlywed son tells you that actually, they think they're going to go to her folks’ this year - surely you understand, right, Mom? Uhhh … Mom? Mom?! … Dad?!!! Could you come here a second??
The kids made adorable snowmen in the front yard, and then later someone came along and gave them all large breasts, right where the neighbors can see
Your sister-in-law suggests everybody go in together on a beach condo this Christmas
Your nephew plans to bring his, uhhh, companion along this year, and no one has heard of the gender they identify as
Your daughter casually mentions that your grandson, who lives on a PhD student's stipend, has asked his mother if it would be OK to just make people cookies this year, and she told him he doesn't even have to do that - that all people want from him is to see his smiling face - and you're sorry, but what?! Doesn't he have any respect for his elders? Doesn't he care about his nieces and nephews?
You only had time to put up one tree this year, and you fear the children will be traumatized
Stewart is saying he's going to stay home for midnight Mass and just relax a little, and this is - well, it's unheard-of! What kind of example is he setting for the kids?!
You forgot to put up the garland that goes on the banister
One child opens a cool gift and does not seem to want to share it with your own children, who also received their own gifts
Your brother's family shows up without the special outfits you were sure you all agreed on for the family photo, and now they won't match
Darren brought his girlfriend, and you don't know how to act because it seems like she's Muslim
Your uncle has a laugh at the expense of one of your preferred political figures
Your sister's husband shows up wearing the exact sweater you bought for him, and now it's wrapped up and waiting for him under the tree - and not for nothing, but you know, it wasn't exactly cheap
Someone wants decaf coffee snd you're sure you have some somewhere … don’t you?
Your sister-in-law doesn't seem to care that those Tasmanian Devils she calls children are careening wildly around the house and bumping into everything; in fact, everyone but you seems to think it's adorable
Carly wants to go take a quick nap instead of joining in with everyone else for Game Time
You forgot to clean your baseboards
Amy brought that horrid little dog of hers, and even though you said that would be fine and the dog is crated in the room she's staying in, with the door closed, you don't care for this at all
Your daughter invited her co-worker who's new in town and doesn't know anyone, and you're afraid it's going to be terribly awkward. You've run out at the last minute so that she has something to open, but you don't know her, you don't know what she likes, and you've completely forgotten about the existence of items most people can use, such as nice coasters, a house plant, a cute mug, a pretty throw blanket …
Your nephews have drawn butts in the fog on the windows
Alex has brought his new girlfriend home from college, and just now he's telling you that she doesn't eat meat
You accidentally bought one child has two more presents than the others, and you're sure the entire family has noticed and thinks you're a horrible person
Leanne has an exciting new job and has been spending an awful lot of time telling people about it
Two people seem to be having a mild disagreement
Jenna and Eddie have not spoken to each other once - not last night and not today, either, but no one else seems to care
It didn't snow
Your niece hasn't had any wine at all and you're dying to know if she's pregnant, but aren't sure how to ask (Pro tip: You don't!)
Your husband always dresses up in the Santa suit to pass out gifts, but he loaned it to Mark a couple weeks ago for a work thing, and now somehow Mark is wearing it here instead of your husband, and you don't know whether he'll pass out gifts “correctly" or not
Maybe there weren't enough rolls
Your six-year-old granddaughter keeps shrieking, "I bet it's in this one!” every time she's handed another gift, and you're freaked out because you have no idea what she's expecting or whether or not you actually bought it
Your daughter shows up with her hair dyed blue
Someone needs to wear a face mask because of a health condition, and you feel like she might as well just rent a billboard that says, “The Franklins All Have Cooties"
Everyone seems to be having a wonderful time, the meal was delicious, and the house looks lovely, but you can't shake the tiny, nagging idea that somewhere, something - perhaps in the Christmas village, perhaps on the tree; you aren't sure - is somehow just the tiniest bit off
This is just a small sample of the non-issues and minor irritations that do not come anywhere close to ruining Christmas. So this year, remember a few key points:
You're only responsible for what you do and say. It is not your job to explain or mediate other people and their actions - and you shouldn't volunteer for the gig, either.
You probably want everything to be perfect. But everything cannot be perfect. Why not? Because these celebrations involve people, and people (including you) are inherently imperfect. Love them anyway.
Last, if there's something you tried this year that you legitimately don't think worked, remember that Christmas will roll around again in just a few hundred days. You get a do-over.
Merry Christmas, folks! Enjoy it, and remember to laugh. Remember, if something goes spectacularly wrong, there's a good chance you'll get a great anecdote out of it.
*A raccoon infestation might be one of the few things that really could ruin your Christmas - but not because of the missing ornaments it ate. Because of, like, wiring and stuff.