Some Executive Orders That Could Really Balance Out This Whole Mess
CC: President Trump.
Donald Trump is back in black - or rather, he's back in navy blue with a red tie - and he's back with a vengeance. If we are to judge by the flurry of executive orders that have issued forth from his mighty presidential pen, it's clear that there's an old sheriff in town, and he's not here to play around.
He's issued such orders around a truly wide array of controversial topics too numerous and disheartening to list here. However, in case you have retreated to the comforting obscurity of the under-side of a rock and are just now surfacing, you should be aware he's terminating federal DEI initiatives, attempting to end birthright citizenship, recognizing only two genders, withdrawing from the World Health Organization, withdrawing (for a second time) from the Paris climate accords, and, most appallingly to those of us across the aisle, pardoning the January 6 rioters.
I'm not linking. These are facts - facts Trump is proud of, at that - and you can find these orders and dozens more quite easily.
You may quite rightly suspect that I believe these moves are bad - that I even believe they portend ill for our nation’s future. And you're right! I do! But I refuse to let worry and despair overtake me.
So, as long as we've got the Don parked at the Resolute Desk, here are a few more executive orders I wish he'd consider:
An executive order creating a clothing-size standard that all designers and manufacturers must adhere to, so you don't end up with two pairs of pants in the same size, from the same retailer, that fit wildly differently - such that you can't even get one pair over your hips but the other is big enough for you and your partner to wear at the same time.
An executive order decreeing that playing music from a phone in any public place, without four or more enthusiastic co-listeners standing within ten feet of the music's source, shall result in automatic jail time of not less than six months.
An executive order stating that all streaming platforms shall react the same way to the fast-forward, rewind, and pause commands from a remote control. Also the ten-second-rewind button on the Roku remote, which everyone either has or should have.
An executive order proclaiming that anyone visibly experiencing serious gastrointestinal distress shall be allowed to use the employee bathroom in a gas station if a public restroom is not offered. Relatedly, Poo-Pourri shall be automatically discounted by 75% at point of sale to any proprietor or manager of such a business.
An executive order enshrining into the vast body of recognized wisdom the facts that toddlers cannot be reasoned with, and trying to do so is a fool's errand.
An executive order proclaiming that no artist - whether active in the medium of writing, music, visual art, fibre art, theatre, or film - is to be considered a genius if they cannot explain what their work means.
An executive order ensuring that all foods that come in any sort of tub, like yogurt or peanut butter or hummus, have a large, readily apparent, and effective tab with which to pull off the foil, plastic, or paper top sealing the contents, at pain of hefty fines.
An executive order making it illegal to order a tiny, vaguely official-looking vest for your dog on Amazon in order to try to pass him off as a legitimate service dog, so you can take him into fun restaurants and stores with you. Relatedly, failure to immediately clean up after any dog, service or not, who makes a mess in a public place shall constitute a felony.
An executive order decreeing that anyone who says, "Hey, I just tell it like it is" or "I just call it like I see it" is to be publicly recognized as an asshole, not a free-speech advocate.
An executive order proclaiming that, in a restaurant, any family whose child is running up and down through the aisles shall be automatically ejected from the establishment during the first infraction. Further, if screaming or shrieking accompanies this running, the parents responsible for said child do not get a refund or a to-go bag.
An executive order making it a felony to attempt to recruit someone into your
horrible, predatory pyramidmulti-level marketingschemebusiness if their household income is less than three times the poverty limit.An executive order forcing food companies to sell all bagged or boxed items, such as cereal or pretzels, filled to at least 75% with product or pay heavy fines.
An executive order barring anyone who has ever participated in a reality TV show from trying to enter politics - unless it was a baking-competition show. Those people are great.